Do you ever find yourself complaining about the “way something is” for so long, that you end up finding a sort of comfort in it, only to find yourself resisting the change when the opportunity for it to change actually does so?
I’m in a transition.
This was a huge year for me. I got married, I started acting full-time, my sister got married, my brother-in-law chased his musician’s dream to Chicago, my parents started home projects, my in-laws moved back home after living in China for five years, and my husband is about to leave for a year and a half to become an officer and learn to fly helicopters.
I’m in my late twenties and I’ve never had a place of my own. I live between my parents, in-laws’, my cousin’s place in Boston, and soon my sister’s house. I’m working in CT and Boston these days and I will soon have the opportunity to move to the south in the spring with my husband for a year.
Earlier this year I was stuck. I didn’t want to work any more part-time jobs that made me miserable, but I was afraid to rely solely on acting. I was ready for any excuse to get the hell out of here just to have a change. Well eventually I bit the bullet and pursued my dream with the faith that it would all work out. And it has.
All year long it’s been possible that we would have to move at two weeks’ notice, a few months’ notice, back and forth, back and forth. When word finally came that my husband was leaving for REAL this time, I was absolutely numb.
He leaves on Friday. It’s not like he’s going overseas or something. I mean, I’ll see him at Christmas.
But now I’m all like…um…huh….a change really IS happening.
And I guess that is the funny thing ABOUT changes. They don’t always happen in a blink. They are sometimes happening in so many aspects of your life, and take so long to come to fruition, that you don’t always notice it when the day comes for you to acknowledge it.
But what about this transition? Well it’s hit me in unusual ways.
I lost a friend recently who was loved by everyone, most especially her husband. Mary Ellen’s passing really reminded me that nothing is static. We move on and we grow, and some routines and joys that we take comfort in usually fade away. I liked the idea that I would go away to another state, pursuing my dream in a different venue, and cherished the thought that I would come back home and everything would be the way I left it. We’ll all go out for Steins again every Sunday, we’ll talk about what we are up to, and we’ll laugh and carry on. Now I’m faced with the reality that may not be the case anymore. And with her passing, nights out at our favorite place certainly won’t feel the same.
Her passing, on the cusp of so many changes in all of our lives, has left me a little rattled. I’m not even speaking of the obvious reasons it’s sad that she’s gone. It’s nice when you know that people have each other, that they take care of each other…and the thought of me leaving my friend Jim after losing his soulmate, was somewhat scary to me.
Here’s why: He’s a beautiful person. He has a busy and creative life and career and lovely people around him. I feel the same exact way about my own life and I am grateful to be in the company of other like-minded individuals.
I’ve been alone. I used to thrive on it. I never let anyone too close. I never asked for help.
Then I fell in love and and my world was thrown upside down. I realized I did need others, and that was okay. In fact, that’s sort of THE POINT!! I love to be with other people and really share with the people around me. Not to say I don’t like the occasional day to myself. I still do enjoy being alone.
But soon, things will be different. I won’t be on my own, per se. I’ll have people around me all the time. But I will truly need to figure out some things for and about myself on. my. own. Oftentimes in situations where people know nothing about me!
I have been reflecting a lot on my friend Jim’s situation, and it has been an inspiration. I hope I will always be able to love with abandon the way that Jim and Mary-Ellen did for each other. I would rather love someone so much it hurts to the core, than to not love at all. But I’ve watched him carefully over the past few days and he’s remembered to reach out and remind everyone he loves them.
I’m in transition. I’m piecing together my identity. Sometimes I will truly be alone. And it has a pronounced effect when you haven’t been in that situation in such a long time.
Look, I know we’re all at different points in our lives. Some of us are in transition, some of us have just completed one, some of us are about to feel a transition coming on. I guess what this post is really about, is the bittersweet part of the transition. That’s what I’ve been feeling lately.
I know ultimately that this will be great for me. I know that. My friends are getting married, my husband is off to live his dream, some people are moving away, and…I just lost a friend.
I’m a little sad. I’m a little brave. I’m a little nervous. I’m a little nostalgic.
I’m a whole lot of grateful for all of the memories I’ve made in my hometown, the hometown I’ve complained about for most of my life. Even though I’m going to miss people, places, and conversations terribly, there will always be more in the future. Maybe not in the same way anymore, but I’m remain open to the future.
I’ve got love and faith and I think that’s all you really need in a transition after all.