Casey’s Clueless advice to actors: Auditions, Pt. 2

Auditions are so freaking weird.

Sometimes, you step inside an audition room, shake hands with the casting director, or writer, or director, or assistant, and you hit it off.  It’s amazing!  You just know that this person GETS you.  You sparkle, you shine, and bam, you leave with that euphoric high. You feel like one of the damn princesses from a Disney movie.  And you do something else with your day, gushing to everyone you talk to. “I NAILED IT!”  ”THEY LOVED ME!” “I KNEW THE SECOND I WALKED In the part was mine..my PRECIOUS.”

And you don’t get a call.

And you still don’t get a call.

You go, okay, I get it, I’m not gonna get a call.  You stare at your desk calendar, and you decide to let it go.  Whatevs, you didn’t want it that badly anyway.

AND THEN YOU DO GET THE CALL!

 Or you don’t.  Hmm.

 But that makes no sense!

Then there’s the alternative.  You walk into the audition room, pissed at yourself for having too much caffeine, shaking and smiling, lips stuck to your teeth…you shuffle in, sit and wait.  And you wait.  And you wait some more.  You stop drinking water because it’s not keeping your mouth from getting any drier.  And other people seem so confident and are faking polite conversation to each other, and talking WAY more loudly in an overarticulated way so everyone can hear them.  You really want to lean over and say, “If you think you are doing a good job acting right now, you should probably get out now.” But you don’t.  You read the script, scribble in some pencil, try to blot out the noisy actors with the neon sign that reads “HIRE ME” hanging above their heads.  And you wait.  And you look at the clock on your cell phone and you give up.  

And you wait and FINALLY…FINALLY it is YOUR turn.  You walk in.  The CD doesn’t look at you.  The assistant gives you some weird directions that she has obviously repeated so many times she doesn’t realize how much she is mumbling.  You pretend you heard what she said.  You stare down at your heels, try to plant your feet as firmly into the carpet as possible, standing perfectly on your mark.  You read.  You become self-aware that you are reading.  You have an out of body experience.  Everyone’s faces are completely blank.  You come back to yourself, and somehow can’t say the word “nectarines,” which you are pretty sure you’ve been able to say since you were a child.  You stumble through the rest of your audition.  The assistant thanks you for your time, and you leave.  You feel the rest of the day hanging over you, mocking you for your bring defeat upon yourself.

“HAHAHAHAHAH!” says the day. “Maybe you SHOULD be more like those obnoxious actors who just graduated from college and think they know everything.  At least THEY are going to get a part!”  And out into the rain you march, letting the cool city wind bring your temperature down. You feel the disgust swelling inside of you.

 

“How did this happen?” You hear yourself think.  The day and all of the looming thoughts that are going to greet you with it, are squeezing you like a vice.  

“We’ll tell you how this happened!  You aren’t a good actor.  YOU SUCK!!!!!”

You try to fight it off, but you feel like one of the losers, one of the bad guys in a Greek play.  The furies are out to get you and you can’t deny it.

It starts raining…

You decide to forget about the audition.

Then one day, weeks later, while you are shoving Mexican food into your mouth, out with friends, you get a phone call.

You got the part.

YOU GOT THE PART! HOW DID YOU GET THE PART!?

OR.

You don’t get the part.  

Wait…But that doesn’t make sense.  

What the hell kind of point am I trying to make here??

I have no clue. All I know is, auditions are weird!  Sometimes you know what’s going to happen.  Sometimes you don’t.  Sometimes you have the best audition you’ve given in weeks, and you still don’t get the part.

Like I’ve said before, the trick is to rise above the negativity.  Let it go. SHINE your brightest, be your best, ignore the people who are trying to bring you down, and kick ass as much as you can.

Just remember…don’t want it so bad that you can’t let it go.  Don’t want it so bad that you see red for days until you get a call.  Don’t want it so bad that you forget the reason you are an actor.

I’ve learned things the wrong way, the right way, and my way.  Everyone has to face their auditions differently.  I don’t think there’s a magic formula for nailing every one.  Sometimes you get streaks, sometimes you don’t.  Sometimes you work regularly.

Other times, you lose one opportunity only to thank GOD that you DID lose it so you are able to do something even better.

My mom has always said to me in a cheery voice, “It’s okay if you don’t get this.  It just means something better is just around the corner.”

And you know what?  She’s always right.

The D word.

I have a confession to make.

The other day, I fell in love with the hardest, naturally occurring substance: diamonds.

Who doesn’t love diamonds, you say? Me, I say.  Well, until the other day.

On Sunday, Dillon, Brittany, and I all went out to look at wedding bands.  Because I had asked Dillon to marry me (see previous entry) I was quite firm that I didn’t want an engagement ring.  But I thought, heck, we do need to put something on each other’s fingers on the big day, so sure, let’s do this.

I had spent some time online looking for a ring that had some sort of symbol attached to it.  I found an eternity symbol, part of Tiffany’s “infinity” collection, but they didn’t have it in stock when we went to the store.  So I looked around at some other rings.  First, I tried on this:

 

Aw. There are hearts. People normally associate that with love. How nice.

Pretty, right!?  Yeah, I thought so.  But then I saw something sparkly in the corner of my eye.  Obviously most things in Tiffany’s SPARKLE, but this…this was on an epic scale.  I felt my willpower dissolve into a puddle below my gray vegan leather boots.

Damn you, you soul-sucking five rows of sparkly coal!

 

The nice woman with pretty hair, kind eyes, suited in navy blue carefully laid the circle of joy on the case.  I tried it on.  I felt my heart rate go up and I realized I was holding my breath.  It was the most expensive piece of anything I had ever worn on my finger. Time stopped moving. I forgot who I was and why I was even wearing the ring to begin with.  The ring spoke to me in ways that I’m sure only Gollum could fully understand.  It needed a nice home. On my finger.  It -

Someone said something and I looked up.  Then I glanced down at the ring in the case that you know, “had heart.”  Eh, maybe I didn’t like that ring that much anyway.  Ever so smoothly, the nice Tiffany’s lady presented the price that was nearly FIVE TIMES the price of cute-little-heart-ring.  My head felt like it was in a vice…until I looked down at the ring, and all my troubles faded away.

Well, upon further consultation, and talking with a very rude / weird / Keith Sutherland’s strung out version of a jewelry salesman, we decided it would be best to get some fresh air.  Or at least I did, which meant we would need to leave the store. Immediately.

When I did I felt my brain cells suddenly begin working again, and my breath went back to a natural pace.  HA! I joked and laughed “That sure was a perty ring!” But I suggested heck, let’s go look at OTHER jewelry stores.  Who needs a Tiffany’s ring anyway?  Besides, I had my fix of Being Holly Golightly for the day.

J'adore ca...sigh..

 

Then we went to Michael’s, where the shiz got really interesting.

Tiffany’s has the following on their website, which they fully disclose when you walk through their chic steel doors:

“Tiffany & Co. actively engages with the mining industry, nongovernmental organizations and local communities to develop responsible operating standards. We have developed a comprehensive program to ensure that human rights and workers’ rights are respected throughout our supply chain and to encourage and support community development in the regions where we source our raw materials. We believe that industry and communities can work together to find a balance that will lead to more sustainable practices in the future.”

So into Michael’s we go.  A thin 50 something woman with a thick accent led us to the back where the “hearts on fire” diamonds were.  It was kinda busy for a Sunday, I’d say.  Three people on either side of me.  Before looking at any of the diamonds, here’s a transcript (from memory) of what happened:

Casey: Are your diamonds fair trade?

Woman freezes and says: Yes they are all hearts on fire.

Casey: No, are they fair trade diamonds?  Are your diamonds sourced ethically?

Salesguy next to her: UM. What does THAT mean!?

Casey: Silent from Shock.

Woman next to her who I wanted to knock over the head with a Tiffany’s sign: FAIR TRADE?!  What are we talking about here, COFFE BEANS?! (Imagine someone trying to embarrass you in front of a crowd.)

Casey, who finally snaps: RIGHT okay I Get it, your diamonds aren’t fair trade!!!!!.  Brief silence.  I ALMOST walked out.

Guy: OH…do you mean CONFLICT FREE diamonds?

Casey: Yes, it’s the same thing.

lady with accent: Yes, we go through the Kimberline process.  (she actually said “Kimberline.”)

Hmm.  Okay.

Needless to say, I left unimpressed and insulted.  I was also a little confused about the whole fair trade / kimberley process, etc.

So I did some research.

And no, I didn’t use Snopes.  Don’t even get me started.

I searched Michael’s Jewelers website and found NOWHERE absolutely NOWHERE on the site that diamonds are ethically sourced.  What is the Kimberley process?

Ha well. The Kimberley process is good and all in theory.  Countries certified with the Kimberley process do not produce conflict diamonds themselves, and trade only with each other.  This process can be easily evaded however, because diamond smugglers can trade diamonds that are not certified into the process by actually trading them with Kimberly process certified countries.  The actual definition of the Kimberley process is so sketchy that diamonds that are still mined in inhumane and unfair conditions are STILL CERTIFIED as CONFLICT FREE.

I have sent an email to all of the Michael’s Jewelers in Connecticut to tell them about their rude employees who tried to embarrass me, as well as ask them how they feel they uphold the conflict free diamond process.

Once I had spent some time away from the mall, and I was back home, I started to feel more like myself again.  I remembered, “Oh yeah, I didn’t even want a ring in the first place, but everyone said I needed one.”  I looked down at the sterling silver claddagh ring on my hand and realized, hell, that’s all I need.  And I don’t even need a ring to symbolize my love for my fiance or his love for me.  I talked it over with him and reminded him AND myself how stupid and silly it would be to spend so much money on…essentially rocks.

And I know some people say, “Oh, I’d rather not know” when it comes to these things, such as ethically sourced diamonds, but come on…really?  I would like to consider our race somewhat evolved. I can’t fathom wearing any diamonds that were mined at the cost of a child’s health or limbs, for God’s sake.

I still think diamonds are sparkly and beautiful and I admire my friend’s rings.  But you know what?  At least for now, they are not for me.

Terrible Traditions.

Did you know that wedding cakes got their origins from ancient Rome, where a groom would eat a piece of a loaf of barley cake, and then break the rest over the bride’s head, symbolizing dominance over the bride, and the “breaking” of the bride’s virginity, to put it lightly?

I first learned this when I was 16 years old, when I was doing extensive reading for my Honors World Civilizations Class.  From that moment on I said, “I am NEVER having a wedding cake at my wedding..if I ever get married!”  From then on I have stuck to my guns with that belief.  Many people roll their eyes at me, or say “Whatever, that was back then, it’s not like that anymore!”

I have a serious problem with….tradition.

To me, traditions are the sort of catch-all basin of homogenous, conformist corporate-mongering brainwashing.  I am sorry, I said it!  I know, I sound like an elitist hipster, I get it. But hear me out.

I think the IDEA of traditions are quite beautiful.  Traditions are a “handing down” of beliefs and customs through family and culture over generations.  Sure, customs and traditions change, and I think with good reason.  But, did you ever stop to think that maybe your ancestors had traditions in place for a REASON?  I bet you have.

Okay, I want you to sit back and think about why you do certain things you do.  Holidays, celebrations, etc.  I have heard of many unique family traditions, which I think is very cool, especially when people have stories to go with them.

But why..WHY, I ask you…do people do things because it’s “tradition” without stopping to think about why they are doing them?

For me, reading about wedding cakes when I was a teenager was a sort of light bulb moment for me.  What other sorts of sexist, polarized, or factional sorts of traditions had I been taking a part of my whole life without realizing it?!

Think about it.  African Americans now are socially allowed to call each other the N word I refuse to write out.  But think about where that was based out of!?  Why would you want to call each other something that was originally meant to put you down as a second class citizen?  Now it’s supposed to be liberating or something?! I call BS.  Same with women who call each other “whores” and “sluts” and “bitches.” These were all slurs created by men to exercise verbal dominance and emotional abuse over women.  Now it’s “okay because everyone uses it” I call BS AGAIN!

Okay, back to traditions.  I have always had a problem with weddings in general. Many people thought I was being bitter and cynical, which may have been I would say half true.  But the other half of my cynicism is based in the idea that I don’t want to just DO something because society dictates I do. NOT to say that many traditions of weddings aren’t beautiful (for instance, vows, readings, etc).  Many people go through aspects of weddings that they can’t stand because they think they are supposed to!  Why not just make your wedding the way you want it, and only go through the motions that YOU believe in?

If you understand the tradition and its roots and still want to go through with it, COOL!  That’s awesome! It’s the blind “doing” that I can’t stand!

The man asks the woman to marry him. HA! This used to irritate me most of all.  There is a stigma in society (not as much as there used to be, I agree) that if a woman pushes the idea of marriage on a man it will drive him away.  Women are supposed to “patiently wait” for the man to ask them to marry them.  Gotta wait for the man.  I’m SORRY. But if the man and woman really love each other, who the hell cares who brings up marriage?!

This leads me to share with you the fact that I recently proposed to my boyfriend.  2012 is a leap year, and back in the 5th century, legend has it that St. Brigid approached St. Patrick (another clown but that’s a whole another story all together) to ask why women weren’t allowed to ask men to marry them.  They discussed and bantered back and forth.

ST. Brigid: How about women ask men to marry them?

St. Patrick: While I find that to be radical, how about let’s cool it and say..sure every seven years.

St. Brigid: Not only is that lame, but why every 7?

St. Patrick: Hmm good call. how about once every four years?  The leap day of the leap year?  Normal rules and religious laws don’t apply on that day anyway since we don’t really know what to do with that extra day.

St. Brigid: I see this isn’t going much further, so I’ll say yes to that and hope that some day my sex will once again be equal to yours.

St. Patrick: Yeah, I need to go see about some goats now, ttyl.

Fast forward to 1288, when Queen Margaret of Scotland (who was actually just a child, so she must have had some really awesome administrative royal staff) was like F that.  Our ladies get the WHOLE leap year to ask for their hand in marriage.  Oh and one other thing. If the man weasels out and says no, they have to pay her. In nice dresses. Or chocolate . Or money.  Or all of the above.

So actually grasping where the tradition came from, and loving the fact that it was kickstarted by strong women in history, I planned out my proposal to my boyfriend on the leap year. YEP. I did. On our one year anniversary.

Was he freaked out that I asked? No.  Was he amused? Yes.  Did he say yes? uh YEAH.

And I love telling this story because many people I come across first looks down at my ring (I wear a claddagh ring in replacement of an engagement ring) and then, disappointed, ask how he proposed. And I smile and say that I proposed.  ”Oh but what about a ring?” Well, he got a claddagh ring from me, why would I get an engagement ring?  Most people are surprised, but everyone has really just accepted it as a good idea because..well..it was. If I do say so myself!  Because who cares?!  We love each other and that’s all that matters.

So what will I have at my wedding?  A croquembouche.  This is a french wedding style cake that originated in the 1500s when a tower of sweet cakes and rolls were piled on top of each other and the bride and groom tried to kiss over the tower of goodies without knocking it over, bringing good luck if they were able to.

Now that is a tradition I can gladly sink my teeth into.

Inspiration

Sometimes it’s just a thought, a word, a small…action.  Sometimes you have a stray thought in the back of your mind, and a friend or a family member, seemingly out of thin air, picks it out and lays it on the table.

Folks, I’m telling you, I had one of these experiences recently.

See, it normally takes me a long time to make an important decision.  I weigh all of my facts, pros, cons, circumstances, usually until I want to cry from mental exhaustion.  I envy the people who go through life on impulsive decisions.  Sure, they’re bound to smack their head into a couple of brick walls, but at least they JUST DO IT.

Don’t get me wrong…once I make a decision, it’s full throttle, 100% I’m completely in.  But until then…

Okay, okay.  SO…a few days after Christmas, Dillon and I got together with some two of my college friends.  We spent some quality time with their new baby.  (She loved my obnoxious shirt and sparkly dangly earrings!)  It was lovely, needless to say.  We ate Thai food, we chatted about life, acting, what’s up next for us…you know, the basic catching up with friends-type-thing.

Later on, I was talking alone with my friend Ali.  She said something that was so utterly perfectly what I needed to hear, that I nearly combusted into flames of joy.

Okay so I have probably intrigued you a bit and you want to know the specifics.  For now, that is not of importance.  However, what is important is that the very thought that had been slushing around in my brain for a long time was picked up by a good friend who somehow said what I needed to hear.

After that day I couldn’t help but notice that my thoughts were building and coagulating around this one trigger, so to speak.  One thing lead to another and I was on the brink of making a decision…

It wasn’t until New Year’s Day when Dillon, his brother, Jacob, and my two friends from New Hampshire were sitting down with us at a diner having breakfast.  I don’t think they said anything in particular, but as I looked across at my friends, took in my surroundings and shoved a hot forkful of homefries in my mouth, that I realized…wow…Timing + friends + love = inspiration.

It’s times like these when I realize again (and..again!) that these things do not happen by accident…they happen for a reason!  I think one of the reasons we are here is to be inspired to be our best selves.  People say “happiness” is the reason and I say YES exactly!  For me, when I finally make a decision about myself, my life, who I want to be, who I want IN my life…I am so incredibly happy.

So just a thought for you all.  This year, really LISTEN to the people around you.  Not the haters or negative bags of bloat.  But when someone you love or trust says something from the heart…listen.  Because you never know.  It may be just the thing you needed to hear.

Yoga 101

noun /ˈyōgə/ A Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline, a part of which, including breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific bodily postures, is widely practiced for health and relaxation ( PS I can do that.  Okay, no. I can’t do that YET!)

OK, most people know what yoga is.  By definition, anyway.  And I know that as soon as you saw that, you conjured up your own personal assumptions, beliefs, and ideas about it, whether you practice it or not.

In high school, I didn’t know anything about yoga except that you know…earthy, hippie people did it.  And by the time I was in college and hearing more and more about it, the more it sounded really fascinating.  So, my freshman year of college, I took a class at UCONN.  The room was sort of dark, there were a bunch of people, and I had no idea what I was doing.  Worst of all, it really hurt.  I was like, “PSH yoga sucks. NO way.”

Then, my senior year, I decided to take yoga again. This time at a studio near campus.  The year before I had hurt my lower back in a truck accident where I was hit..bodily Ahem. I probably should have double checked on the class requirements, because again, I took the class and had no idea what I was doing.  Plus, it was overly crowded, and some old tall white guy with dreads was breathing really weird and making odd noises.  I was terrified and I actually remember thinking “maybe I can just leave.”  Well, the teacher kept coming over and pressing my body deeper into different postures and it hurt. badly. I SHOULD have just said “Hey, this isn’t working out for me, my back is in pain, so is that cool?”  Nope, instead I suffered through it.

Here’s another thing…I was in really good shape.  I was an Acting major and we had many dance classes and such that demanded that we be in some sort of good shape. Plus I worked out at the gym several times a week for an hour.  So I was very confused about this yoga business.  So I gave up.  I didn’t do it again…UNTIL.

I broke my foot pretty badly in 2009 whilst working on a film set.  It took surgery and months of recovery. I had plenty of time to think and I was anxious to lose the 10 pounds I had gained from sitting around unable to do very much. (I will note that my arms were incredibly strong and looked great due to using crutches,and moving myself around all the time with my arms.)  I talked to my surgeon as time went on and he agreed that exercises that were low impact on my foot would be best.

Well, even after I was able to walk, my foot was still swollen for several months.  It was something I just had to deal with. This meant no heels, no walking around for hours at a time, etc.  I tried going to the gym but it was more painful than beneficial.  But before I was even able to walk, I was given the go to try yoga before anything else.

This time on a whim I decided to google local yoga practices.  I found one!  Breathe…More LLC.  I was excited because it was only 10 minutes away. I wouldn’t have to drive to Manchester or West Hartford!  I went into class with my mother and I tried it out.  We took a gentle class to begin with.  I thought, “This will be so easy.”  It wasn’t.  I forgot how terribly out of shape I was. I also forgot that I was still in physical therapy and my foot would still need some time to stretch. So I took it slowly. I took class a couple times a week, and I slowly got my flexibility back.  Also, I lost the 10 pounds I had gained from sitting around and doing nothing.  Most importantly, I loved the studio!  A gorgeous studio, supportive teachers who encourage you , rather than berate you, in an overall peaceful and loving environment.

I first took class in the fall of 2009 and I have been a practicing yogini ever since.  I have taken all the classes, and I vary what classes I take depending on my needs, moods, and what my body wants.  Hatha, Vinyasa, Ashtanga, Yin / Yang, etc. Sometimes all I want is to blast my way through yoga. Other times I like taking yin classes which allow you to relax into poses for a long time.  Sometimes I’m having a rough day and all I want is a relaxing yoga class.  I originally took it because it seemed like a good idea for my body. But what I’ve learned is that it has amazing benefits for the mind and spirit as well.

The day after Thanksgiving, Breathe…More was having a special class called “Find your abs” or something of the sort. It was a blend of yoga and pilates (Another class I have picked up fairly regularly) and holy mother of God was it intense.  It was one of the hardest classes I have ever taken, but it was relatively “easy” because it is mostly mental.  Pain, I mean.  Difficulty.  That’s one of the beauties of yoga.  You learn that outside forces aren’t what cause you to “suffer,” but rather, it’s the internal battle of your will and ego.  And once you can fully accept that and utilize that to your advantage, the possibilities on and off the mat are endless.

Yoga is also therapeutic.  When I first started out, one of the owners and my very first yoga teacher said, “Sometimes, stuff comes up when you do yoga.  You may find yourself laughing or crying or drifting to a peaceful state of mind.  Whatever happens, don’t judge yourself, and fully embrace what happens to you.”  Being an acting major, I knew that physicality has a lot to do with releasing emotion, so I was prepared.  Nothing happened. Until recently.

A few weeks ago, I took a beginner’s yoga class. I needed to clear my mind.  Obviously I’m not a beginner, but I wanted something a little slower paced and relaxing.  And something strange happened.  I was doing some poses to warm up, and I felt my eyes well up, and my breathing start to stagger.  I took a moment to acknowledge that something was surfacing, but I focused on my breathing and kept moving with my practice.  At the time, I understood immediately what was happening.  The instructor was going through corresponding chakras (energy centers in the body) with different poses.   I had not felt balanced in a few weeks, and I wasn’t dealing with some issues that had been bothering me.   Yoga helped me face them and wash them away, and then come to terms with the fact that I needed to remember to deal with things as they arise, not hide them away.

OK. This is more along the lines of what I can do.

I’m not saying that everyone should do yoga.  What I am saying is we all sometimes need to try something (once, twice, maybe three times) out of our comfort zone if we want to grow.   Sometimes, you can really surprise yourself along the way. I hope you all have a similar experience, and I hope I have even more in 2012!  So here’s hoping you’ve had a safe holiday, and here’s to an even happier 2012!!  Cheers!

I went to Aruba.

You know how you always say, “MAN. I NEED a VACATION.”

Yeah.  I don’t say that.  Something is wrong with me.

When I hear people talk about vacations, I suddenly get tense.  My back gets all twisted in knots, my pulse accelerates, and I try to change the subject as quickly as possible.

Nope, I never had some traumatic experience on a family vacation.  Actually, I can count the number of REAL vacations I’ve ever had in my life on one hand.

The reason for me associating vacations with stress is this…All I can think about is how I won’t be able to get anything done!  And THEN I’ll come home and there will be SO much to do!  What makes anyone think they can go somewhere beautiful when there is SO MUCH WORK to be DONE?!

Let me set up the scene for you: the green wording represents my internal dialogue.  This is where the whole vacation thing all came up.

Dillon – Let’s go on vacation!

Casey- Oh.  Really?  (There has GOT to be a way out of this.  He doesn’t really mean it.  Maybe he’s just saying we need to try something different…like going out on Tuesday nights or eating leftovers or going on a nice walk or..something).

Dillon – Yeah.  When do you have some free time?

Casey – *staring blankly* (FREE TIME!? IS he CRAZY??  I don’t HAVE FREE TIME.  I’m an actor for God’s sakes. Back in college, David Alan Stern used to always say “You need a forty hour non-acting job to support your 20 hours a week of honing your craft and 20 hours a week of auditioning.”  Um..that’s an 80 hour work week!  Of which you only actually get paid 40 hours. Ew.)

Casey – Um. Later this year?  (this was early summer btw).

Dillon – OK. When?

Casey – How many days? (He’s going to make me pick a date. I can’t believe this is happening)

Dillon – two weeks?

Casey – Nope. (!!!!!)

Dillon – OK. How long?

Casey – Five..days?  (Maybe I should have said a week to sound more like a normal person.  But I wonder if I can make this a weekend thing instead…hmmm)

At this point Dillon throws around a bunch of dates until we settle upon a five day stretch in October.

Dillon – Where do you want to go?

Casey – I don’t know.  Where do you want to go? (Please don’t say a tropical place, please don’t say a tropical place.  What if all I can do is waste my time worrying about home?  Why do people want to go to tropical places anyway!?  Isn’t it kind of a mental torture?  IT IS NOT REAL LIFE!!  I refuse to go anywhere warm.  At least England or France has art and dirty cities and cloudy skies).

Dillon – How about the Caribbean?

Casey – Um. YEAH. COOL!  (I hope I sounded excited.)

Soon after we researched (THAT I can do) the best places to go, and after speaking to all of our traveler friends, we decided Aruba would be a good place to vacate..to.

To be honest, I couldn’t even get myself excited about the trip because i was so busy with work and other plans.  But finally the day arrived.  We shut off data to our phones and I didn’t check my email AT ALL the entire trip.  It was flipping gorgeous. We did nothing but walk on the beach and eat delicious food and drink pina coladas.  And something happened…I started to…relax.  I said things like “Wow Dillon my back isn’t all tense…and I didn’t even need to do yoga to feel that way!”

Sure it was an amazing trip and YES I realize I had the whole idea of vacations completely wrong.  But I think the best thing I got out of the trip is how I need to balance work with fun time.  Obviously my career is awesome and I get to be creative and well…have fun all the time.  But sometimes you need to rest and explore and travel and eat good food and try new things and NOT THINK to allow all that creativity to cultivate.

So guess what? I’m actually looking forward to my new plan of “I get one day a week to do no work and not check my email.” Oh. And my next vacation, too.

The view from our hotel room. You have my permission to be jealous.

 

Three actors and a prairie dog.

October 13, 2011 11pm

I’m sitting in an airport in Detroit.  My flight is delayed.  I’m tired and cold.  (Yes, my boyfriend was right, I should have packed a jacket.  FINE).  But I just had the most awesome trip.  So I won’t complain.

I think it’s very easy for anyone to lose sight of the big picture.  Sometimes we don’t get our way.  Sure, the day-to-day inconveniences of life can be annoying.

But wait..why am I even stuck in an airport to begin with?

I am here because I get to do what I love to do…for a living.  With such a nasty economy, I am especially lucky to do what I love.

Since the middle of September I have been slammed with a very busy schedule.  And it’s all been for acting or Artistic Director business.  How awesome is that?

I landed a small featured role in a film with some awesome actors (William Sadler, Ellen Albertini Dow to name only a couple).  One night of filming, the principal actors and myself didn’t wrap until 4:30 in the morning.  I drove home to CT, passed out for an hour, and then Dillon drove me to my film set in New Haven where I was directing, producing, and acting, for my first day of my new webseries, “Holding.”

On the way down, I was stressing out.  No sleep.  Not much planning due to my last minute booking, and well…low blood sugar.  Dillon was lucky he was still in one piece by the time I got out of the car.  I will admit, eating a granola bar suddenly made things seem not so bad either.  In any event, the car ride consisted of me trying to ground myself again.  I guess I was worried that things wouldn’t work out, and all of the insecurities I had kept at bay with planning and a ton of legwork…were suddenly creeping out.

Filming went great.  I worked with a wonderfully talented crew and cast of SAG and non-union actors.  Of course, I slept for almost 11 hours that night, but…who cares!?

Two years ago I was a mess. I had no idea where I was going.  I was doing too much for others and essentially nothing for myself. Before that, I had a streak of doing so well; enjoying every moment of all the amazing film sets and actors I had met (some of whom I had been admiring since childhood), when suddenly, I got lost in the details.  Worrying.  Wondering.  What – If? – ing.

Two years ago I would not have been able to handle the intensity of being given a direction on a major film set, taking a breath, and giving a top-notch performance.  Instead I would have worried if I would be good, worried about what everyone would think, worry about the big picture.

Not anymore.

Today is my birthday.  A lot of people said to me in the past week, “Oh no, you’re traveling on your birthday!  That sucks!”

It so does not suck.

Hanging out in a Starbucks in Oklahoma, Amie, one of my fellow actors on the trip asked me, “So what was best about your last year?”  A good question to ask!

This year, I finally grounded myself in all of my hard work since age 17 when I decided I wanted to be an actor.  I drowned out the negativity and flooded myself in the positive image others have always seen me in.  I stepped up to the plate that was always waiting for me.  I became the Artistic Director of Deana’s Educational Theater.  I wrote my own webseries.  I landed some amazing roles in theater and film.  I’m finally able to recognize my brand as an actor.

Today on my birthday I was in Oklahoma with two very talented and amazingly warm and funny actors. This week we brought an original work about cyberbullying to high schools. We chased Prairie Dogs, we hiked in the Wichita Mountains, we ate local OK food, we laughed our butts off.

This morning, they even had 130 students sing “Happy Birthday” to me.

On my birthday…what more could I possibly ask for?

Old friends and New Beginnings

This Labor Day weekend I watched a videotaped performance of a show I did last November called “Almost, Maine” with Valley Repertory Company.  It was a group I had never worked with before, with all new friends and actors.

 

Here we are: the cast of "Almost, Maine"

Watching that video got me thinking.  Not about my acting or anything, I can watch myself all day (Once you’ve done enough camera work, you get over it.  Watching yourself becomes more objective rather than “EWW I look so gross!” or “How do I sound like that!”).  OK maybe not all day.  But I realized that my life was in a completely different place on that stage than it was in the moment I was watching the video.

This weekend I was sitting next to the love of my life, surrounded by theatre friends I consider family, hanging out, drinking, eating and sort of marveling at the changes we’ve been through.

If you told me a year ago that this year I would direct a play, be a Production Assistant on major motion pictures, become the Artistic Director of a theater company, act in pieces I’ve always wanted to, write and create my own webseries, plus be able to share it all with someone who loves me and supports me for everything I am and do? Holy crap.

Last year I was having trouble facing the fact that I needed to drop people and activities from my life that were no longer of any use to me.  I was hurting in more ways than one, but I wouldn’t fully let myself come to that realization.  In fact, the only fun I was able to scrounge up last holiday season was the show, “Almost, Maine.”

So a few days after Thanksgiving, I hung out with my best friend Stephen and we walked around Hartford looking at the Christmas lights and bracing ourselves for another season of festivity / insanity.  I walked around that night and grounded myself in the fact that things kinda sucked.  But Stephen reminded me to “breathe” and I reminded myself that however big the next hurdle was, it would be over eventually.

Things did get better!  Especially this year when I opened up to others about my dreams in a practical way and FINALLY heeded the advice given to me by fellow theater friends, Jim and Mary-Ellen: “Remember, ask for help.  People want you to succeed!”  And sure enough, I’ve had the extreme privilege and honor to create art all year that is reflective of the visions I’ve wanted to execute.  Voila!

And I will say, it doesn’t only extend as far as artistic / theatre / film folks.  It’s the friends and family who just love me for who I am and urge me to keep moving forward.

For the first time I’m finally saying, “THIS WILL HAPPEN” as opposed to “Eh, it’s okay if it doesn’t happen.”

So.  THANK YOU to each and every one of you out there who has supported me. It means more than I can express.   And remember, there are people out there who want to help YOU pursue your dreams, no matter how crazy or “out there” they may seem.  And I’m one of them!

what I’m lovin’ these days.

Here’s a run-down of some stuff I’m loving these days. 

• I waved to Vanilla Ice’s kids over facetime the other day.
  

  Vanilla Ice. In case you wondering, he still looks the same.

• The last audition I went to went smoothly and involved producers attempting to say my name with an Irish accent.
• Old friends.  It’s amazing how the people who have known you the longest always know: what to feed you (vegan burgers), what to say (yes i DID change my hair…again), how to shift the mood (laughing is the best medicine).
• cleaning.  NO, not cleaning for the hell of it, but for the purpose of it.  I’m in the beginning of a huge transition in my life, and I find removing, dusting, and giving away “stuff” that is no longer needed anymore to be a very satisfying experience.
  

  um. I haven't been using these products at all for the cleaning I'm describing. But I fooled you for a second!

• Breaks.  As you may have gleaned from previous entries, I am a workaholic.  I have been luxuriating this month in activities I don’t normally take a part in (thank you boyfriend and sister).  Day trips, beaches, kayaking.  It’s the small breaks that recharge you…”Less IS more!”  I’m learning, gang. I’m learning.

 

• 

  there's no "fun" in stress!

  True Blood.

• I heard Adam Sandler improv during a scene and managed to keep myself together until “CUT” was yelled.  I love both Adam Sandler and myself for this.
• I’m working with talented actor friends this month on two different films and I couldn’t be happier!

What are YOU lovin’ this month?  Throw down a couple items, I’d love to hear about it.  Cheers!